What Hurts The Most
by bad-wolf-bay
Summary: jack finds Rose on the list of the dead. songfic


"What do you see in your future Jack?"

Jack stumbled at her words, his flirty happy go lucky façade stopped and slipped off his face with one sentence.

The future, it was such a fickle thing, for the slightest disturbance could throw you off course. You can find yourself at the bottom with no one, or anything; alone in seconds. It can change from rock bottom, to being able to stand on the highest mountain shouting to let everyone know you're in a high point.

He wanted to stare into her innocent brown eyes before him and tell her truthfully and sincerely that what he saw was her. It was always her, always that massive grin, always those eyes that lit up with glee and amazement with every new adventure; always him that she showered that love on, that the other man was oblivious to. He wanted to go on about how he saw her on that ship forever, with the Doctor as others come and go, like Mickey, like Adam. Like him. He wanted to see her with a ring on her finger, to see her in the white dress she had told him about, that she had wanted since she was 3 years old. To see little Roses' destroying the sanity of both the Doctor and the TARDIS.

He said none of it.

"Oi you two, sorry to interrupt your little cosy session, but we landed, and there's a few things I need to tell you before you go charging out there."

It took only that for her attention to move, and he lingered only a few moments after she ran after the object of her affection before following them smiling at the girlish yell coming from ahead of him.

BADWOLFBADWOLFBADWOLFBADWOLF

"Right, ok. I just need to clarify this. This is Torchwood 3, Torchwood 2 you've lost somewhere, Torchwood 4 is an office in Glasgow, and Torchwood 1 was in London, but destroyed in the Battle. Right? But what exactly was the battle, why were there metal people in all our homes?"

The welsh accent broke the silence that had filled the Hub recently, old wounds were still healing, words and memories still fresh from the last few months. No one was willing to go home and face their demons in the dark, or lie to those who had kept them grounded in their secret job.

Jack sighed from the head of the table, and hung his head. Looking Gwen in the eyes, he told that pair of brown eyes the truth.

"1869, Torchwood House, Scotland. Queen Victoria resided there only one night, it was a full moon, and an old local tale of a wearwolf became a reality as it attacked the house. It was killed by a man – alien - called the Doctor – "

"Hey, isn't he – "

"Don't interrupt Owen, this is hard enough as it is. Anyway, the man called the Doctor was an alien, a race called the Time Lords, the last of the Time Lords in fact. Only his companion, a girl, a human girl from London knew. She was Rose Tyler. A bright, intelligent girl, who you really didn't want to get on the wrong side off, her slaps were… legendary. Anyway, they were both knighted, and exiled in the same sentence. Torchwood was set up to fight and protect our borders as the Queen saw it then. And it's what we've always done.

Now, the Doctor is old, very old. He's had many faces over the ages and many enemies. Two of his worst are the Daleks and the Cybermen. What makes the Daleks so bad, when they look like over sized pepper pots? They have had all emotions removed, fear, love, passion, mercy. All except hate. They are bred to kill anything that is different. Anything not a Dalek is wrong and therefore exterminated.

The other we've all met; the Cybermen. They can be classed as worse than the Daleks, at least they are physically different, but Cybermen… Cybermen are human. A human brain stuck in a metal body of a human. No emotions, nothing. It would drive them insane if they knew. They see emotions as a weakness, pain in cured as is illness. There is no pain, no disease, no death. They see in black and white, you either get upgraded or deleted. The two races declared war on each other.

Torchwood 1 was built because of an anomaly 60 feet above sea level. An anomaly that was a hole into what is called the Void. It's a no place, hell if you like. Nothing lives there, no light, no dark. No up; no down. Nothing. It's the gap between this words and parallel worlds. Those damned ghosts we got everywhere, where from a parallel world, a parallel Earth and the Daleks came through from the Void into out world. The Doctor had to reopen the void and suck them all back in. he succeeded. That's the basics of what happened."

Silence followed. Gwen's eyes held such emotion, that he had only ever seen in someone else before. Owen and Ianto refused to look at each other, both fidgeting in their seats. The only sound was of Tosh typing, her rational mind taking control. Suddenly information appeared on the screen opposite Jack. 3 faces held Jack's gaze, but only one made his heart stop.

"These are 3 people who are on the list of the dead, but they didn't work for Torchwood. Mickey Smith, Jacqueline Tyler. . . Rose Tyler"

The moments that followed proved to be the most damaging the group would ever face, as the last name rang a bell. They all stared at the picture of the girl in the middle. Blonde hair fell about her face in a forgotten wind; a huge smile graced her face the reason lost. But it was her eyes that held them all captive. Large brown eyes, so full of life, wisdom, innocence, but so much more, none could work out.

With a heart wrenching scream, Jack lunged towards the screen, stopped only by the quick reflexes of Ianto and Owen, holding him close between them. His cries seemed never ending as he fought against the two men, before his anguish drained him, and his legs gave way under him. Tears streaked his face as hiccoughs followed more gut felt yells of pain. Fists beat against the floor as the men held him down, his legs flying in the air, screaming her name.

BADWOLFBADWOLFBADWOLFBADWOLF

**ROSE MARION TYLER.**

**Aged 20.**

"**Defender Of The Earth"**

There it was, in all it's glory. The gold plack was the centre piece of many names covering the former blank wall. Unfamiliar scribbles were written underneath her name; scribbles only Jack knew to be an almost dead language, from the one man his Rose had ever really loved.

Leaning against the wall, reality crushed against him, bawling him over in its strength as the words really struck home. The list of the dead. Rose. Dead. Rosie was dead. No more tears fell, they had all been shed. Instead he let his memories sweep over him.

"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me"

_The union jack came to the front of his mind, her warm smile as he caught her. The view he had never told her he had as she hung from the barrage balloon. _

"What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do"

_The dance he was finally allowed with her. The infectious laugh that had both men laughing along with her. Those damned pink Pj's she had found on their last trip. The last trip that hadn't had them running for their lives. Instead it had both Jack and the Doctor standing rather awkwardly outside a lingerie store as Rose shopped inside, not letting either of them see what she had brought until the right moment. That had happened to have been the last night they had all been together. She had surprised them with large hot chocolates with whipped cream and marshmallows, but what had really shocked them was that her Pj's were just normal strap top and little shorts, but she had had them customized, with little 3D TARDIS's printed on them so that they moved around her legs and across her top. She of course did not see the effect she had had on them both._

"It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken"

_She loved that scarf. It was too long. That skirt was too short. But she didn't care. She couldn't give a flying monkey what anyone else was going to say, she only had eyes for the 3 men keeping her safe, in the worst place they had visited yet – Cardiff. Even with the Doctor out dining Margret, their playful banter continued, much under the glare of ex boyfriend Mickey. But it was in his arms in the library after a rather vicious pillow fight that he almost confessed. But he didn't. _

"What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do"

_She was running, she was terrified and confused. Fear emitted off her in waves as she ran towards us. We were so close, then she was gone. My little Rosie. A pile of dust. Even wither back, she was sent home. It was for the best. She was safe. I would have met her again at some point. I never saw her again._

"What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do  
Ooohhh..."

"_I saw forever."_


End file.
